Today is the first day I really take time to write a thought or two. It's always been a strange feeling, for me, to take up writing a blog. Proof lies in the absence of a real entry in roughly a year after creating this thing, but we all have to start somewhere. To be honest, much of my hesitation resides in unclear intentions of sharing my thoughts via a medium that allows other people to come and go, reading my personal revelations, ideas, and innermost thoughts. They arrive with the potential of quickly becoming bored with an unknown person's petty life, pass judgment, and likely depart before getting to the end of this sentence.
Who really cares?
I'm not writing for anyone but myself. You're allowed to watch, but don't get to excited about purposeful ambiguity and cryptic messages. The only person that really needs to understand any of this is me, as a remembrance, outlet, escape, or time filler. Even so, there will still be my own handwritten pages just for me.
Here's a little honesty: I'm an incredibly insecure person who pays far too much attention to the consequences of my words and actions. I never want to leave a negative imprint on anyone, even if I don't even know them. It's incredibly crippling sometimes. I have covers and plenty of facades, but do not be worried that the me you know is not genuine; it is much more calculated than that. I use humor. I myself can find no greater satisfaction in a hearty and sincere laugh, but even more satisfaction comes from the times when I can give other people that same feeling I love.
I have a lot of flaws. I am an unlucky person, but a relatively happy one. I sometimes try not to think about the possible things I could have done to make karma treat me like it does. To put it simply, I just put another bad luck cherry on the bad luck sundae I've been fashioning for quite some time. I don't even know if I believe in karma. I'm not made to feel guilty. I need courage. I strongly believe courage could turn a lot of things around for me. Where's the nearest Courage Courier? Why can't it be that simple?
This is a time in my life where my actions can greatly affect they way the rest of my life turns out. No pressure. I feel bored much of the time because I'm too scared to commit my time to events and actions that might result in failure. You tell me it will all be fine and I can do anything I want to, but didn't I just reveal my unlucky nature? Petrification Station.
